Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
