i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
