It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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