i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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