We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I deserve this hangover.
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