I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I feel like a drive thru vagina
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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