hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
