I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Randomize
