Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
