i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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