I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
