I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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