Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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