If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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