I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
