come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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