9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
