This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
