apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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