im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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