so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
