im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
