I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
