he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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