Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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