He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
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