Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
