Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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