You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
