The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
