I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
