If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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