She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
