My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
