No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
