ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
