Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i was born a porn star she said
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
