I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
