when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
