Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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