That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
