He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
