If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
