shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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