I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
