a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
