Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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