apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
