Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
