I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
