dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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