I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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