i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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