god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
