Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
