It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
