At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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