I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
