I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
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